Hi *Jasmina*

 

Thank you for reaching out. I am so honored you would consider me worthy to offer advice, I do not take lightly your confidence. I see that this is a difficult situation to find yourself in, one you are probably careful of sharing with most people. Since you have watched several of my videos and know how I come across, I hope you don’t feel offended if I speak plainly with you. 

 

I assume you are a follower of Christ, because if you are not, this advice won’t be useful because it will be performed in the flesh, apart from the Spirit, and therefore, would result in benefit only for yourself, bondage for your husband and no honor at all for the Lord. So as a sister, I will address you as such and point you to the Word. (side note: I am using the NASB translation but I put the book & chapter so you can read it in the version you choose; I like KJV as well.)

 

If your husband is an unbeliever, you have to have wisdom to understand that satan is his master and even if you demand he stop, the very fact is that your command has now become a “law” unto him, according to Romans 6, and sin ‘reigns in his mortal body that he fulfills its lusts” and he has to disobey your command. He is not free to choose not to sin like believers are. He has no capacity to choose not to sin apart from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit because the bible says he is a slave to sin. His sin is HIS. It has nothing to do with you, unless he is refusing to do his husbandly duty towards you.

 

If your husband professes salvation but has a regular pattern of sin, he is in fact an unbeliever whose profession was false. No one who is of God practices sin according to 1 John. Yes, believers sin occasionally but it is in no way our pattern or habit like it was before Christ. So, again, you are to treat him like an unbeliever. 

 

As a born again believer, which I assume you are, you are supposed to know the evil plan of satan to destroy marriages. 

The bible says in 1 Corinthians 7 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 

 

That’s advice for you since you are the one refusing to spend intimate time with him or letting fears keep you from giving your heart to him. It is insulting to give your body to your husband but hide your heart and your love and it makes him feel like a pervert who’s only interested in a body. I’m sure you don’t mean to say that with your actions but I am certain he feels that way…ask me how I know! I also attempted to go “dead inside” when performing my wifely duty. It hurt my husband in a very strong way because it says to him “you are gross, you are an animal and all you care about is your own pleasure” when in fact, giving his wife pleasure is an extremely important part of his life, one that assures him he knows what I like, thereby making him, in his eyes, a good husband. Man logic is strange, but it’s no different than how sexy and attractive and confident we feel when we are able to secure his attention and affections with our bodies and know that we just gave him pleasure. Those things are necessary for us to feel loved. Without them, we feel unsure and unsafe and it takes a lot of effort on his part to convince us he does in fact love us, right? 

 

The bible also says your body is not your own and is only to be withheld for a time of prayer. Is that your reason why? If not, then present yourself, in kindness, for the health of your marriage. I am assuming you wish to stay married, right? Gifting your husband with your body, wanting to give him pleasure and being open to whatever makes him happy is how a Christian wife shows she is not selfish and demanding her own way. The bible says with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves;...and be tenderhearted. (Philippians 2). The marriage bed can be a place to practice that, my friend.

 

Adding this to the fact that as one who has received forgiveness from God and also mercy, meaning that since God didn’t punish you for your sins against Him, you are to offer that same forgiveness and mercy to your husband, regardless of whether he is a believer or not, because there are no conditions attached to forgiveness (only forgive if  “xyz”). That is the way of the world and you do not prove yourself to be a doer of the word of God but a hearer only when you refuse to forgive, according to James 1. Outbursts of anger are deeds of the flesh and every time we act that way, we are in sin. This means that you confront his sin with your own sin and the bible says, also in James 1,  that a man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness of God. 

 

Therefore (the bible uses this word a lot!) since all of these scriptures are instructions to you as a believer, I advise you to erase the wrongs of your husband, in your own heart. Refuse to keep records of his missteps. The reason is love. You have been loved by God and you are now to practice the love He has shown you. 1 Corinthians says love … does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered…believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 

This means that since you love him, act like it. Refuse to let bitterness take a hold once again to reign in your life and your marriage. You should have joy in the Lord because you are not a slave to sin while your husband is still enslaved. “Hope” because you should, “believe” him because you should, “endure” with his sin because unless he is changed, he cannot be set free. I believe your example will speak louder than your corrections and disappointments. According to 1 Peter 3, this is the way God instructs you to behave for this very purpose. Do you trust scripture? Or do you want to keep doing things your way?

 

If he falls short and indulges his flesh in that specific way, pity him as a person enslaved to his sin, lusts and satan. Pride demands you make it about you, pride demands you punish him by withholding yourself or in some other manner, but the way of the Christian is set in Christ  because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps (1 Peter 2). This blow to your confidence and your pride might be the only suffering allotted to you. Act like Christ did when He was reviled, accused, struck, and killed. You are to put off the old man (and his ways of dealing with hard situations) and put on the new man and act like a believer who has been set free, filled with the Spirit and wisdom of God and made able to do all things to the glory of God. 

 

I hope this helps and I hope you will surrender yourself completely to God, forsaking your own (fleshly) desire for retribution, vindication or even the right to do as you please. I desire you to be submissive to the Word that you may  present your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God…so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect (Romans 12)

 

Your servant in Christ, 

Jacqueline